Hockey Jokes

Discussion in '(Archived) Hockey Chit-Chat' started by Feral, Jun 30, 2008.

  1. Feral

    Feral FHF Regular Player

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    I'm not sure if this is the right place for this topic but here goes anyway. I figured there must be some hockey jokes out there.
    Here is my starter.

    A famous hockey coach goes to heaven, where he puts together a team of history's greatest players.
    God (the really first hockey player) decides he'd like to play a friendly game against the team from hell.

    He phones the devil and asks, "Are you interested in a game of hockey?"

    "Why not?" replies the devil. "I'm warning you, though. You'll never win."

    "Well, we have the best players of all time!" says God.

    "I know," says the devil.


    "But we have all the umpires!"
     
  2. Oli

    Oli FHF Regular Player

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    lol Made me chuckle ... I've been trying to think of a hockey related joke - quite a few cricket and golf ones... Hmmmm
     
  3. johncoxon

    johncoxon FHF Legend

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    Hi Oli! Did a web search and found a lot of ice hockey jokes but about ten of them all on the same theme mostly deriding certain teams prone to lose. They don't translate too well into field hockey.
     
  4. zombie

    zombie FHF Regular Player

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    Don't know of any hockey-specific jokes. There are a lot of jokes (like the first one) which translate to any sport, eg:

    What do you call someone who hangs out with hockey players?
    A goalie.
     
  5. Feral

    Feral FHF Regular Player

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    A hockey wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time at the Club House with the rest of the team after matches.
    So one Saturday after the match he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
    "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
    So, the husband ordered a couple of Grouse and threw his down in one shot.

    His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
    "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

    "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself after a match!" ;) lol
     
  6. Oli

    Oli FHF Regular Player

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    Hi John, Hope you are well...

    ===

    I've had a long think and this was the best I could do, have a groan when you get to the punch line!!! ;)

    I've slightly modified this one from a joke I heard ...

    ===

    There's this really awful hockey team, called Stixthwaite Hockey Club (Fictional name!) - they're bottom of the league and doing really badly...

    One day the team coach has an idea to advertise for a star player, so he places an ad in the local newspaper...

    A few weeks go by and no replies. Then one wet, Yorkshire afternoon there's a knock on the clubhouse door... And in walks this horse!

    Well, the coach hasn't seen anything like this before and the horse says: "Hello, my good chap I see you're after a new hockey player?"

    "Yes" says the coach.

    "I'm very good, great ball control, and superb passing skills. All in all, I'm a brilliant team player" says the horse.

    "Is that so?" Well thinks the coach, there's nothing in the rules that says a horse can't play for our team - and he can't be any worst than some of the current team... "You're hired, and you play this weekend"

    So, the day arrives and Stixthwaite Hockey Club lines up for it's first game with a horse at centre-half...

    The games starts slowly and the horse doesn't move much, but when he gets the ball he's able to go round people and change the game.

    Eventually the horse scores. He got the ball on the half-way line and tried his luck.

    After the game the horse was relaxing with a nice G&T in the bar and a team-mate came up to congrautlate him on winning the game for the team.

    "But why don't you run?" asked the player

    "RUN!" Thundered the horse, "RUN! My dear chap, if I could run I'd be at Epsom."

    Boom, boom!
     
  7. Goalie64

    Goalie64 FHF All Time Great

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    That's one I think I first heard from Fred Trueman.
     
  8. Wilster

    Wilster FHF Regular Player

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    there are plenty of stick and ball innuendos out there!
     
  9. nerd_is_the_word

    nerd_is_the_word FHF All Time Great

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    actually there is a good group on facebook atm called 'ten reasons to date a hockey player' or something like that.

    now for my modified.

    A wife and her husband are doing the dishes one day when the wife suddenly asks, "Gerald, what is it you have me doing with your saturday afternoons. Im starting to think that you might be going and playing goalie for the local hockey team"

    Gerald keeps washing dishes and replies "No dear nothing like that, i just drunk and spend thousands of dollars on hookers"

    The wife goes back to her washing and says "ohh thank god, i was starting to think you were a goalkeeper"

    (optional add-on)

    the wife then hands her husband another plate which slips out his hands and shatters on the ground. the wife yells "YOU CLUMSY F***, SEE YOU ARE A GOALKEEPER"
     
  10. jae6

    jae6 FHF Starter

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    loljavascript:void(0);
     
  11. Peakey

    Peakey FHF Regular Player

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    Who's the rival hockey team or a particularly team we always beat in competitions? Let's for now just say...hmm...England.
    When telling this joke you can change the hockey team:

    A young boy is in court giving a statement. His parents have been accused of beating him at home, and after conviction, the judge must now decide who gets custody of the boy.

    The judge suggests his grandmother, but the boy states that they beat him as well.
    The judge suggests the boys' other grandparents, but the boy is quick to mention they also beat him.
    The judge suggests various uncles, aunties or older relatives, but the boy continues to admit that they all beat him as well.
    It is apparent that the boy's entire family are terrible, and he is constantly subjected to beatings. So the judge asks the boy where he would like to stay.

    The boy sits and up and says he would like to be with the English hockey team, as they are incapable of beating anyone.
     

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